You’ve seen the brochures. The magazine articles. The internet posts. The 20 Question Quiz: Are you an alcoholic?
I think I was in my twenties the first time I took one of those tests. And the answer to at least half of the questions was a hard no. I was off the hook. Then I reached the end of the questionnaire. “If you answered yes to one of these questions you might have a problem with alcohol. And if you answered yes to 3 or more you definitely have a problem and should seek help immediately.” Whaaattt??? THREE or more??? And the questions all start with “Have you ever...?” C’mon!!! Everyone sometimes “drinks to build up self confidence”. Everyone sometimes “drinks to escape worries or troubles”. Everyone sometimes “ends up drinking more or longer than they intended”. Everyone sometimes “feels remorse after a night of drinking”.
Don’t they?
And then I started re-reading the questions I’d answered with a no...
“Have you ever felt a craving for alcohol or a strong desire or urge to drink?”
Well, ummm, yeah. Kind of a lot.
“Have you continued to drink even though it was causing trouble with your family or friends?”
Hmmm. I’d been grounded by my parents, I’d pissed off my roommate and I broke up with more than one nice boyfriend because they didn’t drink the way I liked to drink.
“Have you ever found that drinking, or being sick from drinking, caused job or school problems?”
Only when I was 16 and working at McDonalds and was so hungover the day after homecoming that I called in sick...and got fired because it wasn’t the first time. Oh, and I failed my Statistics class because I slept through the final.
“Have you ever gotten into situations while or after drinking that increase your chances of getting hurt (such as driving, using heavy machinery or having unsafe sex)?”
How am I supposed to get home?
Does a motorcycle count as heavy machinery?
I’m in college, everyone’s having unsafe sex.
Aren’t they?
Okay, so I was up to fourteen yes answers. But the good news was that there were still some “yets” out there.
Fast forward to the next time I took the survey. And the next. And the last.
I could now add withdrawal symptoms, trouble with the law and blackouts.
But here’s the one that finally caught my attention...and kind of broke my heart:
“Have you cut back or given up on activities that were important or interesting to you or gave you pleasure in order to drink?”
The pain was finally outweighing any enjoyment that I thought I might still have. So I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. And I listened to the stories. And I heard people who still had lots of “yets” and people who’d hit every bottom but death. And I heard a lot of people with stories like mine.
In A.A. we’re told to identify and not compare. We’re told to take it one day at a time. And we’re told that no matter how bad it got, there are always a few more “yets” out there.
Here’s what I think. Forget three
out of twenty questions, or even one. If you have any inclination whatsoever to take a test to determine whether or not you have a drinking problem...
...you probably do.
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